I let myself down

I thought I was ready for action but then I went all soft. It was a bit embarrassing. No one likes a flaccid blow up pool. When people are ready for enjoyment they want it right away. They don't want to have to get down on their knees and blow to make me hard again. It's awkward. People say it happens all the time but I don't know if it really does. I feel I let myself down. You see, it's my first time and what if I can never please someone? As an inflatable pool my whole job is to bring people pleasure.

I'm hard right now. I just hope it stays that way.

I want to be a star

People assume that inflatable pools have no dreams beyond just sitting in the corner of the backyard filled up with water. It's so unfair -  I also have other talents. For instance, I'm really good at karaoke. I once  sang Love Cats by The Cure and everyone said that if they closed their eyes it was like Robert Smith was in the room. They said I should start a tribute band and call it The Prevention. That's how good I was.

I didn't have any make-up like Robert Smith but I think I would be a good goth. The problem is I'm all pastel blue. I'm hoping someone can colour me in black with texta. It might take a while but I think it would make me look far more moody and dangerous.

I also want to go skiing. People could all jump inside me and we would slide down the hill together. We could bump off all the stupid people trying to balance on their little planky things. It would be fun.

I'm really lucky

It's scary being at the shop when people come in to buy you. You never know who is going to take you home and play about inside you. There are lots of creepy people out there but there is one type of person that scares me more than any other - pregnant people.

When pregnant people come in to the shop all of us pools get really scared. We've heard horrific stories and none of us wants to be used as a birthing pool. People who have water births are generally hippies and like to listen to calming music while in labour. They also tend to avoid pain medication which means having to listen to Enya interspersed with some woman wildly screaming "GET THIS EVIL PINEAPPLE OUT OF MY LADY BITS". It's not at all pleasant.

Then the baby arrives and it all just gets ten times worse. As a blow-up pool you have to expect that a child will pee in you but you are certainly not prepared for the range of bodily fluids that come with child birth. Blood, poo and all sorts of icky stuff end up floating about, not to mention some weird alien-looking baby on the end of an umbilical chord. Of course, no one thinks to clean you straight afterwards - they are all too obsessed with the baby. I had a friend who had a placenta floating about in him for two days! That's just plain wrong...

I'm really looking forward to being a normal pool. Best of all I will be taking my place right next to a lemon tree so if you need to pee, pee on that - it helps them grow.

Hi, I'm Gilbert

You probably know my big brother Percy. Unfortunately he got sent back to where he came from. Understandably he is quite angry about the whole situation. He said "Why send me back? I'm not a boat person; I'm not a terrorist; I'm not going to blow up anything; in fact, people are going to blow me up, because I'm a blow-up pool you stupid people!"

As I am smaller I am considered less threatening and less likely to spark an incident. I don't know about that though. If you have a big Irish wolfhound and a little white fluffy dog it is bound to be the little bastard Paris Hilton dog that nips you. I'm not saying I'm a trouble maker, just that it is unwise to equate size with danger. You may very well have had a small girl/boyfriend who turned out to be a complete psycho.

One of the advantages of me being small is that I will bring people closer together. You can easily play footsies or throw each other grapes from a distance where you are quite likely to be able to successfully catch it in your mouth. You can have really really quick pool pony races. You can fill me up with jelly* and make lots of money by selling tickets to watch you wrestle.

I am really looking forward to seeing all you hot people in your bikinis - you may have guessed, I'm quite shallow.

*If you do decide to fill me up with jelly could you please make it raspberry flavour - I like that the best.

Hi!

I'm Percy the pool! Percy is normally a name reserved for gay parrots but I think is also a fine name for a pool. As an inflatable pool I'm not really either gay or straight. I have a bit of a thing for inflatable giraffes and jumping castles though.

Currently I'm feeling a bit sad and deflated. That's mainly because I'm actually deflated and everyone can see my wrinkles when I'm deflated. With such fine weather coming on I know it won't be long before someone pumps me up though and then I will be looking very pretty.

The other thing that is getting me down is stupid government regulations requiring that I have a pool fence around me. That's crap. I don't want to feel like a factory farmed chicken. I want to be a free range pool. Currently my favourite song is Bing Crosby's Don't Fence Me In.

I'm not a big fan of feral cats. I've seen what they do to possums and I have genuine concerns for my safety. I also don't like knives, needles or magnifying glasses with the sun shining through them. I like champagne but people generally find it far too expensive to fill me up with champagne. Sometimes however people swim in me while drinking champagne and they spill a little bit and it is all tingly. I like that.